I’ve always wondered what it would be like if our lives were set to soundtracks — kind of like the ‘Foxy Lady’ scene in “Wayne’s World.” After a tough day at the office, ‘Take this Job and Shove It’ might play throughout the building. Or you walk into the bathroom, and R. Kelly’s ‘Blow it Up’ could start blaring. Then, I thought, what would someone like Roger Clemens‘ soundtrack be? It goes a little something like this ‘¦
1. ‘Blame it on Texas‘ by Mark Chesnutt
TIME: 1977-84
LYRICS: Blame it on Texas. Don’t blame it on me. I am who I am, and that’s what I’m gonna be.
SCENE: Everything’s bigger in Texas. Even a**holes. I’m convinced Leonardo DiCaprio planted the ‘grow up to be a pompous blowhard’ seed in Roger’s head Inception-style at some point between his graduation from Spring Woods High in Houston and his 1983 College World Series victory at the University of Texas.
2. ‘Rocket Man‘ by Elton John
TIME: 1984-96
LYRICS: I’m not the man they think I am at home. Oh no, no, no, I’m a rocket man, rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone.
SCENE: Remember when we liked Roger? Doesn’t it make you feel like Fergus from The Crying Game after he discovers Dil’s dill? With the Sox, he won three Cy Youngs, struck out 20 batters ‘¦ twice, thought he was a chicken on The Simpsons and got in Ishmael’s face for mowing another man’s lawn in Kingpin. Not too shabby.
3. ‘If I Don’t Stay the Night‘ by Mindy McCready
TIME: 1990
LYRICS: There are many ways I want to love you, but only when the time is right.
SCENE: At this point, Roger started spending quite a bit of time with ‘close family friend’ Mindy McCready, because it’s totally normal for a 28-year-old Major League Baseball player to hang out with a 15-year-old blonde from Florida. I’m sure they were just discussing their favorite My Little Pony episodes. Nothing to see here ‘¦ move along.
4. ‘In This Twilight‘ by Nine Inch Nails
TIME: 1996
LYRICS: As your time is running out ‘¦ you can find a better a place in this twilight.
SCENE: Following failed contract negotiations, Dan Duquette uttered the famous ‘We had hoped to keep him in Boston during the twilight of his career’ line. Come to think of it: Was this the inspiration for the terrible Twilight series? I mean, it is about a guy who chases a 15-year-old girl.
5. ‘Blue Jay Way‘ by the Beatles
TIME: 1997-98
LYRICS: And I’d really like to go ‘¦ here in Blue Jay Way.
SCENE: After expressing his desire to play somewhere closer to home in Texas, Roger of course signed with Toronto. Apparently, by ‘somewhere closer to home’ he meant ‘wherever they offer me $40 million.’ I know I always confuse my apartment with a giant pile of money.
6. ‘Shoot ‘Em Up‘ by Bone Thugs ‘N Harmony
TIME: 1998, 2000-01
LYRICS: What, did you think I’m scared? Shoot, shoot, shoot ‘em up, shoot ‘em up, shoot ‘em up.
SCENE: Any time a strange guy tells you the solution to your problems is bending over and shooting something into your butt, you’ve gotta do it. Especially when that strange guy looks like Brian McNamee. Is that a steroids needle in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
7. ‘Two Timing Woman‘ by Johnny Cash
TIME: 1999-2003
LYRICS: She blossoms in the spring, but then she’s gone in the fall. A two timin’ woman with a heart of solid stone.
SCENE: Just to make sure nobody in Red Sox Nation would ever root for him again, Roger joined the hated Yankees, becoming the first person in history to look fatter in pinstripes.
8. ‘About to Rage‘ by Government Rule
TIME: 2000
LYRICS: Time to discover what’s really, really, really right instead of what makes us feel strong. Blood is on your hands, but it’s what the part demands. The storm’s about to rage.
SCENE: As if drilling Mike Piazza in the head with a fastball earlier in the season wasn’t enough, Roger decided to throw a splintered bat at the Mets catcher in the World Series. I wonder why he was so angry at Piazza. Either he hated mustaches, or he loved steroids.
9. ‘Mama, I’m Coming Home‘ by Ozzy Osbourne
TIME: 2004-06
LYRICS: Times have changed, and times are strange. Here I come, but I ain’t the same.
SCENE: For somebody who hates carrying his own luggage, Roger sure likes to travel a lot. It only took him 20 years to get closer to home. Houston, we have a problem: anabolic steroids. On the bright side, he captured his seventh Cy Young Award and led the Astros to the World Series.
10. ‘Might as Well Get Juiced‘ by the Rolling Stones
TIME: 2005
LYRICS: If you really want to have you some fun, spit right down on everyone. If ‘¦ the wheels of life are passing you by, you might as well get juiced.
SCENE: Jose Canseco isn’t normally one to name names, but in an out-of-character move he threw Roger under the bus in his best-seller, ‘Juiced’. The Rocket may have denied steroid use, but he might as well have been wearing those little shorts that say ‘Juicy’ on the butt.
11. ‘Gone Again‘ by the Indigo Girls
TIME: 2007
LYRICS: Every dog don’t got it’s day, if we take the love we’re given, and we throw it all away.
SCENE: Roger returned to the Yankees midway through the season–just in time to watch the Red Sox win the World Series for the second time in four years. At this point in his career, his stamina wasn’t what it used to be. After all, steroids do shrink your testicles.
12. ‘Sixty Minute Man‘ by Billy Ward and The Dominoes
TIME: January 6, 2008
LYRICS: If you don’t believe I’m all that I say, come up and take my hand. When I let you go, you’ll cry, “Oh, yes, he’s a sixty-minute man.’
SCENE: After his 60 Minutes interview, Roger had me convinced he never took steroids. It was my only logical conclusion after he spent the entire time avoiding eye contact, fidgeting around, getting defensive, deflecting the subject and chugging water like Wade Boggs pounds Miller Lites.
13. ‘I Fought the Law‘ by the Bobby Fuller Four
TIME: February 13, 2008-present
LYRICS: I needed money, ’cause I had none. I fought the law, and the law won.
SCENE: We may not have learned much from Roger’s testimony to Congress that earned him his indictment, but we learned one thing: he’s awesome at making up words. We can all benefit from the term ‘misremembered’: ‘What do you mean you asked me to have this report on your desk by Friday? Boss, I think you’re misremembering.’